Neil Hilborn’s “OCD” plunges the reader into a world of obsessive thoughts. The poem opens with a startling contrast: a silence descends upon the speaker’s mind, a mind usually bombarded by “ticks” and relentless images. But this unexpected calm isn’t a sign of serenity; it’s the prelude to a complex and ultimately heartbreaking encounter with love, filtered through the lens of OCD.
OCD
by Neil Hilborn
The first time I saw her,
Everything in my head went quiet.
All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.
When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I’m thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips.
Or the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek.
I knew I had to talk to her.
I asked her out six times in thirty seconds.
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.
On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or talking to her.
But she loved it.
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day.
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely lock the door eighteen times.
I’d always watch her mouth when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked;
when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.
At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.
And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.
She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her.
But then.
She said I was taking up too much of her time.
That I couldn’t kiss her goodbye so much because I was making her late for work.
When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line. When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking.
And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place.
She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but.
How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her?
Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t.
I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.
Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.
I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars.
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.
I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel.
How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe.
How she blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out—
Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once –
He doesn’t care if it’s perfect!
I want her back so bad,
I leave the door unlocked.
I leave the lights on.
Summary
“OCD” by Neil Hilborn explores the profound impact of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) on a romantic relationship. The poem vividly depicts the speaker’s experience of falling in love amidst the constant turmoil of intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors associated with OCD. Initially, meeting the woman of his dreams brings a rare moment of calm and focus amid the chaos of his mind. The speaker’s compulsions and rituals, such as repetitive questioning and organizing, become pronounced as he navigates the early stages of dating. Despite these challenges, the woman accepts and even admires his quirks, finding comfort in his meticulous behaviors. However, as the relationship progresses, the strain of the speaker’s OCD on their lives becomes apparent. The woman begins to feel suffocated by the rituals and demands, leading to a heartbreaking unraveling of their connection. The poem conveys the speaker’s profound love and longing, juxtaposed with the suffocating grip of his condition. In the end, the speaker is left grappling with unrequited love and the torment of obsessive thoughts, highlighting the complexities and struggles of living with OCD in the context of intimate relationships.
Analysis
This powerful poem by Neil Hilborn explores the complexities of love and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The speaker, a man with OCD, experiences a temporary relief from his intrusive thoughts when he meets a woman. However, his OCD manifests itself in new ways within the relationship, ultimately leading to its demise.
The poem opens with a striking contrast. The speaker’s mind is usually filled with “ticks” and “constantly refreshing images,” reflecting the constant worry and intrusive thoughts associated with OCD. However, when he sees the woman, everything goes quiet. This initial sense of peace suggests a powerful connection that transcends his usual anxieties.
Despite this initial relief, the speaker’s OCD soon finds new targets. He becomes fixated on details like the woman’s eyelash and engages in repetitive behaviors like repeatedly asking her out. Though the woman initially seems to accept these behaviors, the underlying anxiety they represent eventually strains the relationship.
The lines blur between love and OCD. While the woman initially finds his compulsions endearing (“She loved it”), they become a burden. This highlights the difficulty of distinguishing genuine affection from the need to control associated with OCD.
The relationship deteriorates as the woman becomes increasingly frustrated with the limitations imposed by the speaker’s OCD. Her departure leaves him devastated. The poem ends with a heartbreaking image: the speaker leaving the door unlocked and the lights on – a stark contrast to his usual hypervigilance and a sign of his despair.
The poem cleverly uses the word “but” throughout. It punctuates moments of hope and connection, only to be followed by the relentless return of OCD symptoms. This constant shift highlights the unpredictable and frustrating nature of living with OCD.
The final lines capture the poignant paradox of the situation. The woman, who initially offered a reprieve from the speaker’s obsessions, has now become a new fixation. His inability to move on highlights the complex ways OCD can distort even positive experiences.